• Chris Steck's Possible Titles for Future Sue Grafton Novels After She Runs Out of Letters
  
  
• Christian Clarke's List of Literary TV Programs Yet to be Produced
  
  

"Obviously the goal of any public service librarian is to avoid working with the public. The public is annoying. We all know this to be true, no matter how we try to sugarcoat our feelings by pretending we really want to serve. We don’t want to serve. We want to get paid and go home. Better yet, get paid without even having to come to work. We figure if people actually wanted to be able to find things well in a library, then they’d go to library school. We did!" More....

• Read about the Library Spa
  
  
• Find out more about The Constantly-Changing Library
  
  
• Bookmark The Annoyed Librarian

• I hope the revolution doesn't come too soon. I have to sort out the priorities of all the people on my list who are currently down to be "first against the wall".
  
  
• Many of the world's greatest minds have been labeled as unpleasant, undesirable, obnoxious, or objectionable due to their uncompromising refusal to blithely wander about, prattling inanely about how wonderful and perfect everything is.
  
  
• Library administration is often neither an art nor a science - too often it is a case of the blind leading the intimidated.
  
  
• Communication is a dying form of expression. It's just so much simpler for the people higher up the ladder to bark down the orders, rather than come down their ladder.
  
  
• Courage is going to work every day, knowing that those in charge have absolutely no idea what's really happening.
  
  
• Anything is possible, given enough time, money, support staff, motivation, climate control, and a small infusion of intelligence in the current moronic state of affairs.
  
  
• Considering the increasingly rapid obsolescence of technology, computer theft is a community service.
  
  
• Dignity is highly overrated. Experience has shown that you can achieve just so much more by crying, screaming and laying on the floor kicking than by rationale argument and presentation of documented evidence.
  
  
• The vast majority of worksites would rather employ a cheerful cretin than a surly genius.
  
  
• I met an expert once. I knew they were an expert, because they told me. A number of times. I guess they thought I had a short memory.
  
  
• Genius is its own punishment. It's resented by the dull-witted, challenged by the jealous inept, and manipulated by organizations for their own evil plans.
  
  
• Show me a genius and I'll show you a manic-depressive. Of course, they may not be the same person.
  
  
• Librarians have not been so much "seared in the flames of withering injustice", as lightly parboiled in the melting pot of bureaucratic ignorance.
  
  
• A smiling librarian is an awesome sight; it challenges the stereotypes, creates an atmosphere of change, and frightens the heck out of 95% of the borrowers.
  
  
• If the library is quiet enough, you can actually hear the bookstock ageing.
  
  
• Is anyone running an in-utero reading program? Or should literacy foundations be laid during conception?
  
  
• One day, a library patron will come up to the desk and say "I don't suppose you could sing me the first two lines of ..." They should really be teaching this in library school. It's a greatly neglected area of Reference Services.
  
  
• Disraeli has been quoted as saying "to be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge." So how do we get stupid people to take that first step?
  
  
• I've finally figured out what's wrong here. There aren't enough days in the week, or hours in the day. Therefore we're on the wrong planet.
  
  
• Truth is a matter of perspective, personality, and sheer determination.

• "How to pretend to listen"
  
  
• "Why you shouldn't wear holiday sweaters during the holidays"
  
  
• "Working with a hangover" (you know librarians can be kinda boozy...go to a holiday party)
  
  
• "Foods you should prepare at home, and not in the employee canteen"
  
  
• "Not all male librarians are gay" (that ought to draw an interesting crowd)
  
  
• "Living up to stereotypes for fun"
  
  
• "How to clean up vomit, and other fluids"
  
  
• "How to teach and encourage elderly staff to use "the e-mail"
  
  
• "Crafts NOT to make during Summer Reading Club" (this includes all crafts that include glitter, baby oil, or kerosene)
  
  
• "Sue them back, or Administration's guide to problem patrons"
  
  
• "Dying behind the reference desk- A frank discussion about retirement"
  
  
• "Embracing micro-management"
  
  
• "Weeding 101" *reserved for librarians who have been employed since Dewey died.
  
  
• "The sling-back: practical solutions for reaching and bending"
  
  
• "How do I end this reference session?"
  
  
• "Ending sexual harassment in the work place: the Lone Librarian"
  
  
• "How to answer awkward questions" (good for children's librarians who get questions like "Where did my doggie go?" or "Why doesn't daddy work?")
  
  
• "Pets in the library"
  
  
• "Breathing through your mouth during a reference interview" (You know, sometimes the smell is just too bad)
  
  
• "Internet filters and how they work" OR "Why jugs.com isn't viewable at your terminal"

• No skateboarding in the building
  
  
• Please don't eat the books
  
  
• Please don't eat the plants
  
  
• Do not throw fruit at the staff (Money and chocolate are fine)
  
  
• If you pick up a phone and dial 911, it had better be an emergency because it does call the "real" police
  
  
• While waiting for your ride home, do not set fire to your homework to keep warm
  
  
• Public displays of affection that involve the removal of clothing are prohibited
  
  
• Do not throw the stuffed animals at one another
  
  
• If someone throws a stuffed animal at you, do not say aloud that you've been hit by a beaver and expect to be taken seriously
  
  
• You may not take the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue into the washroom
  
  
• Iguanas are not allowed in the building
  (Unless it's a seeing-eye or hearing-ear iguana)
  
  
• Do not sled down the stairs
  
  
• If you are out of diapers, do not open the soiled diaper, scoop out the turd, leave the turd on a shelf, and then ask the librarian to tape the newly-cleaned diaper closed again
  
  
• The staff members do not make enough to lend you money, and panhandling is a crime
  
  
• Do not park on the sidewalk blocking the entire front entrance, even if you will only be inside momentarily
  
  
• If you threaten to take an employee outside "to teach him a thing or two about life," we will call the police and we will press charges
  
  
• The librarian will not get a ladder and climb onto the roof to retrieve your backpack after you "roofed" it, just to see if you could
  
  
• We do not appreciate condoms being used as bookmarks and left in the books
  
  
• If you leave an article of clothing behind and we save it in our Lost and Found, we are not responsible for laundering said item
  
  
• Do not bathe or wash your hair in the sinks or toilets
  
  
• Pens are not flushable
  
  
• Smooshing bugs between the pages of a book is not acceptable
  
  
• Cab dispatchers should not sit at an Internet computer, taking calls and dispatching cabs all day
  
  
• If you order pizza from our pay phone and have it delivered to you at the library, the library is not responsible for the cost
  
  
• Any library geek who spends so much time at the library that their loved one has their birthday balloons or flowers delivered to them at the library, should really get a life
  
  
• No masturbating while at the computers
  
  
• Unless you're breast-feeding, there is no need to show your boobies
  
  
• Unless you are in labor and the head is crowning, there is no need to show your cooter¹
  
  
• Babies should be clothed
  
  
• Do not put your half-full (or half-empty) can of pop into the book return bin
  
  
• The book return is not an outgoing mailbox
  
  
• Paying your fines does not entitle you to have a wing of the library named in your honor -- if you had any clue how much a wing in the library would really cost, you'd shut the heck up
  
  
• You do not pay our salary -- we would never work for someone like you
  
  
• "No smoking" includes cigars
  (and bologna)
  
  
• None of us are interested in your life story
  
  
• We are not more likely to break rules to accommodate you if you call us any of the following names:
  
  bitch, punk, missy,² grandma, gramps, big-green-jelly-bean, jerk, assh*ole
  
  or any word or phrase that ends in -licker, -sucker, or -f*cker
  
  
• Our dress code will not be changed to require the "girls" to wear short skirts
  
  
• You cannot rollerblade up and down the aisles
  
  
• Napping on top of the table is not allowed
  
  
• Performances of "dirty" puppet shows are prohibited, at the discretion of the librarian
  ("dirty" is a relative term)
  (some will scold you as obscene if you make the raccoon and duck kiss)
  (I might let you continue sodomizing the bear if it's amusing enough)

1. Ever noticed that you only get paper cuts on your fingers? Many librarians have discovered that if you kick books around on the floor with your feet, your hands will be well protected. For single sheets of paper, use your elbows.
   
   
2. Stress is a perennial problem in libraries, and it is often caused by barcode reading malfunctions. Save yourself time (and headaches) by dropping resources with uncooperative barcodes down the back of fixed shelving. It can later be written off as ‘lost’ in a future stocktake.
   
   
3. Overcrowding at the Circulation Desk during high use times can be dealt with simply by you going to lunch. Or morning tea. Or the rest rooms. After all, it’s part of your working conditions.
   
   
4. Coffee spilled on keyboards not only costs the library money for repairs and replacements, it also results in loss of productivity. Respect your employer’s property, and have your coffee off-site. As often as necessary.
   
   
5. Back injuries are becoming increasingly more common. Don’t lift anything heavier than your elbow, or put anything into your ears without bending your knees. Or something like that. Coffee got spilt on the original instructions down at the coffee shop, and it was a bit hard to read.
   
   
6. Weeding. Sigh. Professional bodies, existing policies, and those oh-so-perfect librarians who’s hair is always neat and never have runs in their pantyhose or stuff spilled on their ties and always know where everything is and always have the right answer at the finger tips - which noticeably are free from paper cuts and/or band aids (although we may have digressed a little here) are always harping on about Keeping the Collection Current and Patron Satisfaction. But there you go - you're going to make someone unhappy whatever you do or don't throw out. What the heck! Next time you’re having a quick smoke up the back of the stacks before going home time, just drop the burning butt on the nearest book.

[Posted July 26, 2005 to LISNews.com by "The Curmudgeonly Librarian"]

Source: “Library Bitch,” a blog written by a 26-year-old librarian in Canada.

I was being utterly efficient, and filing some things away for my Well Dressed Director, and I found myself pulling drawer after drawer after drawer out in her credenza to put the said files away:

• Youth Services: Bottom Drawer
• OCLC: Middle Drawer
• Adult Services: Top Drawer

And then it happened. The entire credenza leaned over on me. I was almost crushed in my WDD's office. What a way to start a job...literally killed by the work I do. I dug the heel of my cordovan patent leather square toed loafer into the floor and heaved with everything I had...and righted the credenza, and used my hip to push in the drawers. I was actually worried more about it breaking the antique chinese bowl on her conference table than I was about it squashing me all over her office. Let this be a lesson to all of you...patent leather can save your life.

After this happened, I pulled a chair out to gather my delicate sensibilities once more. Imagine had this huge filing cabinet fallen on me...and it was in an office right off the public floor. The only person that sits outside the office is a crazy guy that reads the bible outloud to himself from open til close. Would he have laid the L-rd down to come and save my Jewish ass? Who knows. All I do know is that I'm glad I lived to tell. I also learned that all my files will be in alphabetical order before I ever attempt to file again. That way I'll only have one drawer open at a time.

Sue Kamm related one of her pet peeves -- being stationed at one's place in the library, under the 4 x 6-foot neon sign that says "ASK HERE," whilst festooned with badges of office, name tag, the library PR campaign button, and all the other appurtenances and regalia of librarianship -- and still being asked "Do you work here?"

As for responses to that, my personal favorite is a double-take and a startled look, as if the possibility had just occurred to me: " . . . Sure! Why not!?"

Other possibilities:

"Do you work here?"

(Looking long and carefully at library ID badge before responding, perhaps drawing it up to my face for careful inspection)
"No. Sorry. I don't."

* * * * *
"Do you work here?"

"What do you need?"

"I've never used a computer before, but the company I'm applying to said the library could help me write my resume in Microsoft Word, set up a free e-mail account, and, like, send the resume along with an e-mail to them."

"Interesting. Actually, I don't work here. That fellow over there (pointing at colleague) can help you with that."

* * * * *
"Do you work here?"

(Responding quickly) "Yes! How can I . . . (suddenly stopping short and grasping at an imaginary object on my upper arm, seeming to tear the phantom item off and hurl it away) . . . "GET OFF!!"

* * * * *
"Do you work here?"

"Yeah. I'm with Facilities Maintenance. Could you give me a hand over here with the toilet?"

* * * * *
"Do you work here?"

(Looking up sharply) "Are you one of the Ones Who Pay My Salary?"

* * * * *
(From a teenage male:) "Hey dude, do you work here?"

"I'm sorry. This is a dude-free zone."

* * * * *
"Do you work here?"

(Looking rapidly about, panic-stricken) "WHERE IS EVERYBODY?? God! Trapped like a rat in a drain!!"

* * * * *
(5:55 pm on a Friday, to a librarian five minutes from retirement:)
"Do you work here?"

"Yes, but would you terribly mind if I asked you to take your silly-ass question to another library?" [Needless to say, far worse responses could be contemplated.]

* * * * *
"Do you work here?"

(Taking off the badges and nametags and handing them to the patron) "Not anymore I don't."

* * * * *
"Do you work here?"

(Sticking hands in armpits and flapping like a bird) "AIEEEEE! WEEE . . . HAWWwwww. Unka! Unka! Unka!"

* * * * *
"Do you work here?"

(Loudly, so entire floor can hear) "AW JEEZ, YOU'RE NOT GONNA ASK ME ONE OF THOSE DUMB QUESTIONS, ARE YOU?"

* * * * *
"Do you work here?"

(Lowering voice, speaking worriedly) "You're not from the Sex Crimes Unit, are you?"

* * * * *

...Please feel free to try any of these, but remember that I have copyrighted these responses, and you may use each only once, for personal amusement and edification. You may find that patrons will be strangely surprised and taken aback by some of them. I assume no responsibility for consequences arising from their use. Unwrap carefully, and use at your own risk. Recycle. Carry a spare lightbulb and keep a cool head.

-- Joe Schallan Phoenix, Arizona (Yes, but it's a DRY heat . . . )

Q: What is the difference between a Librarian and a large pizza?

A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

--Overheard by The Twisted Librarian and reported to LISNews on February 4, 2005